When I learned I suffer from clinical depression the knowledge gave my life a lot more context. I also found out that my family has a history of depression, especially the women. If depression and other mental illnesses were talked about more freely I may have sought help much earlier in my life. I am thankful that I am treating my depression and functioning normally. It’s taken me a long time to get here and there were some very low points along the way.
The first semester of my sophomore year in college was probably the worst point in my life. I don’t know what triggered my depressive episodes. I’m not sure I’ll ever find out. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t leave my room. I would cry for hours on end for no reason. I couldn’t see the value in living.
No one, other than my roommate, saw the true darkness and despair I was going through. She probably thought I was crazy and didn’t know how to deal with me. I wouldn’t have known how to react to me either. It wasn’t like I could pick up the phone and call my parents to let them know what was up. How do you have that conversation? “Hi, Mom & Dad, just wanted to say thanks for all the tuition money you gave me this semester. It’s not really being used as you intended because I haven’t left my dorm room or gone to classes in weeks. You’ll never know that I haven’t slept or eaten in days. When I come home for break you won’t have any idea how messed up I’ve been because somehow I’ll still manage to get decent grades.”
On one of the few days I did leave my room I saw recruitment posters for the Walt Disney World College Program. I decided to interview and sure enough, I got a job at Disney World. It was the perfect way for me to take a semester off school without losing scholarship money. I didn’t have to take any classes, just move to Florida for seven months to sell burgers, fries and Mickey-on-a-stick.
When I told my family I’d be taking a hiatus and going to work for Disney they weren’t very supportive. They thought it was stuipd of me to interrupt my courses to go play in Florida. It didn’t matter to me. My mind was made up. I was going. It was the first decision I’d made in my life that I made just for me. For the first time I’d be completely on my own, responsible for all my own expenses. It was the first step toward taking control of my life.
I met a lot of great people while I was there and still keep in touch with a few of my coworkers. January 16th will be 11 years since I worked there. I’m pretty sure that’s 11 years I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t participate in the program. For anyone out there suffering from depression and thinking there’s no hope, please find a way to get better. There are still tough times, but you can get through it.
